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[Not complaining about that. In fact, Matt just winds his arms around him and tangles up more. Whatever. He doesn't have any plans for tonight.] I'd better stop then. Don't want to have to clean up Ghoul from my ceiling.

[The kiss has him grinning even wider. Being held and wanted and so close to someone was amazing, and he still can't entirely believe he has it. Not here.] Don't sell yourself so short - Maybe like... Eighty, ninety percent as good as me. [Giggling against Ghoul's neck like an airy idiot] And there are some things, look - Look - [He tugs at his sleeves, trying to get at the tattoos] See? I don't have those, so you're better than me for that.

[ Ghoul shifts enough to pull his sleeves down, let Matt look, and he's still grinning, still thoroughly pleased. ] Yeah? Y'like them? [ He looks down at the tattoos. ] Which ones? D'you have any?

[The moment they're revealed, Matt's fingers go straight to tracing. Can't help it, an immediate reaction, eyes and hands all over the ink on Ghoul's skin.] Mmhm - All of them - [But...] The colorful ones the most, I think. [He thumbs over a particularly colorful tattoo as he says it, admiring it. Getting lost enough to lag behind on the follow up question.] Hm? oh - Oh no. Asha... [His voice drops at that, tone getting a bit somber] She didn't tell me not to, but she always told me this story - About an informant she knew whose tattoos ended up getting him killed. I think she was exaggerating, and it's not like I'd ever make such a stupid mistake, but... Well, when you're petrified of death and sort of don't want to be recognized by certain people, that sort of thing sticks with you.

[ There's something about Matt tracing his tattoos that feels great - and it's not just the physical feeling. There is that, but there's the idea that Matt likes them enough to want to see them. That he's distracted by looking. The ink in his skin has special meaning to him and he always feels a lot of pride when people take them seriously.

He nods, though, when Matt mentions what he does. ] Yeah. Always got recognized right off the bat, in the Zones. Makes you a target. [ But Ghoul always wanted to be a target, so it worked out for him. ] This Asha sounds real practical. I guess I ain't, so much.

[Makes you a target. That's exactly what Matt doesn't want, a big reason why he never got any. He sighs softly, tucking up close to Ghoul as he listens. Doesn't let go of his arms, either. Keeps running his fingers along his skin as they talk.] She is - [Was. Doesn't want to say that, though] Really practical. Scary, too. [Laugh] She... Did a lot for me. But, so've you.

[ That actually catches him by surprise. Ghoul glances at Matt. ] ... I have? [ He's just convinced himself he's bad for the people around him. ] You sure you ain't just flattering me again?

I didn't exactly get myself out of that trap. [He nuzzles up against Ghoul, kissing him on the cheek. A little confused as to why he doesn't seem to believe it] And it's not like I'm miserable here, being with you.

No - no, I guess... I guess not. [ He pauses, still watching Matt. ] Just - thought I fucked things up permanently, y'know? I mean. M'still surprised you let me do this, if m'being honest. [ Curling up with Matt, he means. Might as well be honest. ] I end up bad for the people m'around.

Ghoul... [He tips his head to the side, now more than just a little confused.] Just because - I - [Ugh. Words.] There's still... A lot that's not right, because of that, but it's not ruined. It takes a lot more than that to chase me away.

[ He sort of sniffs in amusement. ] That's my line. [ A lot that's not right because of that. Yeah, that's what he thought, what he meant, and he can't magically make it better and he's frustrated with himself because he can't. It's something that takes time, but Ghoul's angry with himself for making it a problem in the first place. ]

Y'had a panic attack when I said - when -- when I said what I did. [ He's scared to say it again. ] Hard not to think I didn't fuck everything up, Matt - it's a trend, it happens, m'just waiting.

[Oh. He bites down on his lip, trying to struggle for something to say. Trying not to panic again, mostly. Settle down - Focus on his breathing.] It's... It was just a lot at once. [Heavy sigh as he wraps tightly around Ghoul, buries his face into the crook of his neck] Please don't think of it like that, alright?

[ Ghoul's quiet for a long time, just holding Matt close, face buried in Matt's hair. Don't get upset. Don't upset Matt. Just take steady, calm breaths and don't think about it. And finally, quietly: ] Alright.

[ He still will think of it like that, but Matt doesn't need to know that. Ghoul just takes a deep breath and closes his eyes again. ] Sorry. Didn't mean t'come and ruin the mood.

[To his credit, he doesn't. He breathes through it and works it out, clinging tighter to Ghoul for a moment before he lets it go with a shaky sigh]

No it's - We needed to talk about it, didn't we?

Yeah. [ Ghoul sighs out, reaching to rest his hand on the back of Matt's head. ] I dunno how to - how t'deal with you. And I don't mean that bad, I just - wanna -- y'know, be 'round you and not end up hurting you. [ He closes his eyes. ] S'different than home. I had things like this but I didn't fuckin' -- care, as much.

[He nods - Barely there, not wanting to disrupt the touch too much - and thinks about it. Thinks about everything. It means a lot, that he cares so much, that he wants to make it work. It makes his stomach light and his chest hot and his eyes get a little wet, even though he tries to fight it. Doesn't want them to. Not that he's upset, far from it - Just that it's a lot and he doesn't really know how to handle it. So he just sniffs and balls himself up as small and close as he can until he can settle himself enough to find the words.

But it's hard. Being sincere is really hard. So he forces a soft laugh instead.] Sorry - Wish I came with a manual myself, sometimes.

[And then, as an afterthought:] Just... This? Is fine. I can handle being dealt with like this.

[ Ghoul's got him, anyway, wraps around Matt and strokes at the back of Matt's head, through his hair. It's all meant to be comforting and sweet. That, he can do. And that appears to be what Matt wants, so at least he's doing something right. Ghoul tilts Matt's chin up to kiss him, just once, and then holds him close again. ]

Okay. [ It doesn't help him much, but Ghoul doesn't know how to talk about feelings, or emotions, so he just goes quiet. ] Long as you can deal with me, I'm fine.

[It makes him feel secure, like he's in some big protective bubble where nothing can get to him. When Ghoul tilts his head up he doesn't hide away again, keeps his eyes on Ghoul's face. It's - He can do it, sincere and sweet and intimate as it is.] If I couldn't, I wouldn't be here. [And Matt places a soft kiss on his lips, letting it linger before he mumbles quietly - ] Could you - Could you say it? Say that you...

[ There's a quiet, careful pause, and then Ghoul smiles, gentle, pressing their foreheads together. It takes some guts, it really does, but Matt asked him. So: ] I love you. [ He keeps his fingers running through Matt's hair. Don't overdo it. ]

[No matter how ready he was for it, the words have Matt stuttering to a complete stop. Chest tight and eyes wide, it takes everything in him to fight the immediate instinct to hide his face. It's not out of discomfort, not entirely, but it's a rush. Emotions whirlwind inside of him and it's difficult for him to calm them. Difficult for him to know if he wants to settle them. It's a bit of a rush.

But somehow he manages to stare Ghoul in the eyes, to keep focused on him even as his breathing picks up and his heart threatens to pound out of his chest. And he even manages movement, something that isn't hiding his flushed face, arms wrapping around Ghoul's shoulders and hands brushing through his hair. Clearing his face, making sure he can see him, see his eyes as he stumbles through his words.] Again. Say it again. Please?

[ He's very, very cautious about this - just watching, nervously, trying to be steady for the both of them. It's a little scary, watching the rush of emotion on Matt's face, but Ghoul sticks to it, quiet.

And when Matt keeps looking at him, flustered as he is, arms wrapping around him and trying to get his words out, Ghoul rests his own hands on Matt's chest, gentle. Again. He can do that. Softer: ] I love you. [ And this time, it feels heavier to him, like - reinforcing it, like he's gonna choke on it. Scarier, but meaningful. It sticks in his throat, in his chest, and Ghoul has to look away, look down, try not to panic. It's been a long time. ]

[Ghoul can probably feel how Matt's heart beats against his ribs, frantic and fluttery. But he doesn't look away, doesn't turn away. Not even when it starts up again - The way he says it - The same words, but it's different this time and it has him stunned for a moment. Enough to let Ghoul pull away.

His hands shake a little as he draws his fingertips down Ghoul's jawline, hooking under his chin and gingerly guiding him back up into a timid kiss. Just a moment, a quick sentiment before he pulls away just enough to murmur it in return;] I - [Deep breath] L-loveyoutoo

[ A beat, and then another, and then Ghoul shifts, letting out a shivery little sigh of a breath. He wasn't expecting anything back. But he got it. And now he has it, even with as timid as it is, he has the sound of it in his head and he can keep it.

Someone loves you. That makes it easier.

Ghoul smooths Matt's hair back, running his fingers along Matt's skin, almost shaky from the way this all has him feeling. Like exhaustion. ] I - I dunno that... I dunno that you know how good that sounds t'me. [ Ghoul whispers, with a little laugh. He steals a much bolder kiss, a little more confident. Carefully: ] You okay?

[Tingles rush all up and down Matt's spine at the touches, radiating down his limbs in a pleasant numbness. He'd said it. They'd both said it and... Nothing happened. They're both okay. And Ghoul doesn't reject it - Says it sounds good - and kisses him and it's okay. Everything will be fine. He believes it too, even if just for the time being. Believes that maybe things will be easier, or get better. Maybe he can have this.

Which makes the answer come easy, and a little too enthusiastic despite how breathless he is] Yes! Yes. I'm - [He laughs, almost silent] Better. A thousand times better, Ghoul, I - [Don't have words for it, for how he feels, so he just. Pulls him into another kiss. He'll show him instead, relish that closeness. A contrast to how Ghoul feels, Matt brims with energy and feels like a giddy school child with his first crush, too excited to care about anything else.]

[ Oh - oh, okay, okay, yes. Matt sounds enthusiastic, sounds like this is easy for both of them, and Ghoul's emotionally worn, but that's fine, that's more than okay, because the way Matt reacts almost reinvigorates him. Ghoul actually laughs, a soft, pleased sort of sound, and returns the kiss he's given, tracing his fingers down the side of Matt's face. This is what he needed. This is what's going to get him through the shit he knows will come. ]

M'glad. [ Ghoul tells him against his lips, smiling. ] You got me as long as you want me, sparks. Okay? [ Another kiss, and then he pulls back just a bit to look Matt over, his smile turning into a grin. ] Ahah. Fuck, you're cute.

[It's too much and it has Matt giggling, bubbly and light against his lips. As long as he wants - A long, long time if he's honest. But for now?] Tonight? At least tonight. [No no no don't pull back, no pulling back, he's right back in Ghoul's space in an instant, laughing and peppering his cheeks with small kisses. No, stay right there] You're cute.

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fangool - 2014-02-20 22:10 (UTC) - Expand

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